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| Words of wisdom |
| 05.30.04 (11:13 pm) [edit] |
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Never look back. There's nothing for you there.
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| Numb |
| 05.30.04 (7:10 pm) [edit] |
I know I'm supposed to continue from where I left off a couple of days ago. I went out with a mutual friend and what I heard from her hurt me again. And this time it cut me so deep and hurt me so bad, I'm numbed by it.
I feel like a zombie today. I barely slept for a few hours before heading for the airport in the wee hours of the morning. Here I am now in Penang, where I am to conduct training for the whole week. Steven and Damian are taking me to Soho tonight for a drink. I'm tempted to get drunk.
I don't feel like talking about LL anymore.
![]() =http://img31.photobucket.com/...
There's this superb new local band by the name of Disagree. Their singles 'Crumbs' is so good that its worth the whole CD alone. Nowadays I get by with that particular song.
"And if she doesn't go your way
Look up to blue skies and say hey
Its ok...Its ok...."
I'm going thru this pain my own way. I actually believe that this pain is a good thing, in the long run. Maybe someday when I have my own kids and one of them gets his heart broken by a girl, I could console him coz I'd been there before.
Love now has a new meaning to me. Chang says he doesn't believe in love anymore. Maybe I shouldn't too. Nazareth's "Love Hurts" comes to mind everytime I hear about the word 'love'. I'm not jaded, just wiser I guess.
A possible career change is around the corner. I want to leave the company, but for the right reasons. When I tender in my resignation, KH will surely give a counter offer. And if its a damn good one, I guess I'll sway. But I don't think I should do it for the money alone. And since LL is in the company too, I think I should leave. Its decided then.
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| One week |
| 05.28.04 (8:06 pm) [edit] |
I've not written for a week now...I didn't feel like pouring my heart out anymore. But today I'll write something, since this blog serves as a journal of my emotions and simply because I feel like writing again.
My last entry was last Friday. That Friday night I went out with Ed and Chang. Ed had that worried look on his face. He didn't know what to say. He was very cautious and avoided the topic of my breakup as long as he could but in the end when he saw that I needed consolation, he brought the topic up by just saying "So, how?" Ed is a funny guy. Although I was hurting, I couldn't help but smile. Chang was cool all the way. He merely listened.
Over a jug of beer, I gave them a short account of what happened. Ed was sympathetic. He understood because he had been there before. I gulped down the beer as fast as I could. I wanted to get drunk...and then cry. Actually, that was my intention of calling them out. I wanted to tell them what happened and then get so sad I'd just cry it all out, just once and not feel sad again. Damnit, I wanted to cry so much! Just let the tears flow and feel no shame. I imagined that every drop of tears would represent a quantum of sadness I feel inside, and if I cry hard enough, all the sadness would be gone. But that was not to be. I didn't cry, I felt better instead...but only temporarily.
I woke up the next morning still feeling better. I had breakfast in CoffeeBean and stayed there as long as I could. I didn't want to be alone. Being alone makes me reminisce. Then I went to my brother's place to look at Darren, his newborn son who was only 3 weeks old. But I left as soon as the little guy crapped in his diaper. Haha...By lunch time I was miserable again...
Later in the evening I went and watched Troy with the guys. Damian called just before I entered the cinema. He said the doctor gave him another 5 days of MC, bless his heart. I chuckled. Then he asked how I was doing. "Not good" I said. Damian replied "Alright, then Troy would do you good. Enjoy the show." But it didn't. The heroics of Hector and Achilles just magnified my pain. I left the cinema alone when Troy ended...I was feeling too miserable to join them for dinner.
I missed LL too much. I wanted to speak to her although I know I shouldn't. I wrestled with myself...in the end, I gave in. I rang her up. She was at the mall, shopping for shoes, and I had caught her at the wrong time. She was queueing to pay and that she'd have call me shortly. Shortly turned out to be one and half hours later. By then the guys had already arrived at my place. All of them acted nonchalant but I knew they were worried. Someone said "Come, let's go and drink". I obliged. "Maybe this time I can cry", I thought.
The pub we went to was showing the FA Cup final between Man Utd and Milwall. Man Utd later went on to win 3-0. Anyway, we drank and I got high. LL messaged me to call her. She sounded normal. She went on and on about her work. I just listened. She was avoiding the topic of us. The alcohol was making me dizzy. And I had to pee too. I told LL I had to go and that I'd call her later. We got home later, and the guys stuck around. I locked myself in the room and called LL again. This time I wanted to do the talking and she the listening. I told her I missed her. I asked her if she loved me, if she misses me and if she still loves me. Hers answers were "Of course, I don't know, I don't know" respectively. Then she apologized. Thats all I remember.
The next morning I woke up still feeling miserable. But then something came over me. I suddenly felt I've had enough. I asked myself how long more I want to go on with this broken-hearted man persona. How long more that I want to play this part? The answer came immediately. "Enough", I thought. This ends here.
Urghhh...I have to go somewhere now. To be continued...
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| Closure |
| 05.20.04 (11:37 pm) [edit] |
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I have to seek for a closure. I can't live a miserable life the way I am now. This yoyo emotion has to stop. But how?
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| Bright lights... |
| 05.20.04 (10:59 pm) [edit] |
Had lunch in MFM. Lousy seafood salad...or was it my appetite? Matchbox Twenty's "Bright Lights" MTV played on the projection screen when I was waiting for my food...Rob Thomas is just magic...
I got a hole in me now
I got a scar I can talk about
She keeps a picture of me in her apartment in the city
But some things in this world
Man, they don’t make sense
SOME THINGS YOU DON'T LEAVE UNTIL THEY LEAVE YOU
AND THEN THE THINGS THAT YOU MISS, YOU SAY
Baby, baby, baby when all your love is gone
Who will save me from all I’m up against out in this world
And maybe, maybe, maybe
You’ll find something that’s enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don’t receive you
You should turn yourself around and come on home
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| My door will always be open for you |
| 05.20.04 (8:13 pm) [edit] |
"My door will always be open for you."
I emailed her that, unsure of her response, or if she would respond at all. I just had to tell her.
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| Depressed... |
| 05.20.04 (5:30 pm) [edit] |
Back in my depressed mode again. I hope all this hurting is justified. I hope that, in the future, when I read back what I've written, I can smile and say that all the pain was worth it because I have become a better person.
I wanted to get drunk again last night. After pouring a considerable amount of whiskey into my Ferrari mug, I changed my mind. The overpowering smell of whiskey brings back memory of my last hangover. No more killing of brain cells. No more puking. No more regretting later.
Before that, anticipating I would get drunk and losing control, I deleted LL's phone numbers from my handphone. No matter how much I miss hearing her voice again, I musn't call her. No more declaration of love.
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| Self destruction |
| 05.20.04 (1:30 am) [edit] |
I feel like I'm self destructing. Nothing else matters to me. Friends say that I shouldn't think so much, but I can't help it. My head throbs with pain. I am emotionally unstable. Sometimes I am ok, sometimes I am not. Sometimes I think I can get by, sometimes I think I can't. I'm not suicidal, but I can understand why some people are. Feels like I'm going crazy.
I need a place to escape to. I need go somewhere where my mind can be absolutely blank.
I asked mom the other night why is it that I'm unlike my other brothers? Why do I have to be so emotional, so like a girl? I hate myself when this happens.
I feel like falling into a coma, devoid of consciousness. Feel nothing until the pain heals and I can wake up again.
I am disappointed in myself. I act all tough and macho in front of everyone when in fact I am all soft inside. Even LL is tougher.
"When I find out all the reasons, maybe I'll find a way, find another day. With all the changing seasons of my life maybe I'll get it right next time."
Estranged
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| Anger |
| 05.20.04 (12:51 am) [edit] |
Now all I feel is anger and disappointment. Am not sure if this a natural progression of the broken hearted. I am afraid that this will next lead to hate.
I am so angry at everything and at everyone. I can feel the blood rushing to my head and just staying there and like I'm gonna blow. I feel like screaming. I've been carrying a fever for a week already and my eyes feel like they're gonna pop out.
I get zero work done today. Thank God its not a busy day.
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| Relationships... |
| 05.20.04 (12:05 am) [edit] |
Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.
Scrubs
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| Erasing her from my mind... |
| 05.19.04 (10:17 pm) [edit] |
How do you erase someone from your mind and ultimately your life? I have this analogy of what it is like. It sounds almost comical but what the heck, life can be comical sometimes...
Imagine your life as a white sheet of paper. When someone enters your life, its like you've given her a piece of 2B pensil and you allow her to permeate the paper with her drawings and writings and let it fused with whatever drawings and writings of your own. Drawings represents memories of places visited and things done together, special events, how exquisite she looked...and writings represents every word she ever said to you.
Now that she has left, and the memories of her hurt you like nothing else, you fumble with an eraser to remove all these memories. You erase all her drawings and writings, be it good or bad so that it won't hurt you anymore. There would be white spaces left on the paper again, and you could give someone new a pencil, but this time a not-so-dark lead, probably something like a 2H so that it is easier to erase the next time... :)
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| Ad astra per aspera |
| 05.19.04 (6:11 pm) [edit] |
I am feeling much better today...I still don't need an alarm clock to wake me up in the morning - the simple thought of her is enough to do so. Anyways, I'll try not be more melodramatic than necessary.
This morning I suddenly have the notion to blog more than usual. I tell myself that I want to capture every emotion that I feel from now onwards - I want to document every detail of thoughts and anything interesting that happens. Simply because I know that one day this pain will heal, and I want to trace back that path that led to my recovery...the healing process has already begun.
In case you're wondering what 'Ad astra per aspera' means, its actually Latin for "a rough road leads to the stars" or "'to the stars through difficulties". I think in other words it means that the path to greatness or happiness is never an easy one. How true. I repeat this everytime I'm sad about what happened between LL and I. Kinda like a chant which gives me an invisible strength to carry on.
The meeting with Alex last night gave me a lot to think about. How that big guy has matured! He said so many things over a jug of beer, but the only one I can remember is this: "You can't expect a buck for every buck you give". How true. I gave so much to LL and in the end I got nothing in return. I told Alex may be that's why I'm hurting so much now. He said, "Love is not always fair. The one who loves the other more will always get hurt more. Give because you want to give, not because you expect something in return." :) Genius.
Another thing struck me last night. Most of my buddies have had their share of what I'm feeling now. Each has his own love tale, own heartache and own road to recovery. Chang with SY, Alex with S, Ed with J, Brandon with SS. And look how happy they are now. I guess its my turn now. Hahaha...
LL, thank you for all the happiness you've given me. I'll keep the memories safe but in a secluded area of my mind. I'll probably feel sad once in a while but the happiness we felt then would offset that.
:arrow: Mr Big - Not One Night
I used to dream of only you
now I don't do that
I used to miss talking to you
Oh now I don't do that
Since you've been gone I've learned to stop
Trying to hold on because
There's not one night, one single day
That I wouldn't give to you
So with all my might in every way
I'll try to forget you too
I thought you could tell me anything
Yeah you used to do that
Let me inside of everything
Yeah you used to do that
Never to change at least I thought
It feels so strange because
There's not one night, one single day
That I wouldn't give to you
So with all my might in every way
I'll try to forget you too
Loneliness may come knocking at my door
Where I'm coming from that don't face me anymore
Time has shed a little light on where I'm supposed to be
But there's no use in thinking you'll come running back to me...
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| Self-preservation |
| 05.18.04 (8:21 pm) [edit] |
self-pres·er·va·tion (slfprzr-vshn)
n.
Protection of oneself from harm or destruction.
The instinct for individual preservation; the innate desire to stay alive.
:arrow: I've stopped myself from having any contact with LL. I'm even ignoring her sms-es and IMs. I guess its better this way. I'm sure she'll understand. Its not that I hate her, its just that I have to clear up my mind and having contact with her would just muddle things up and slow down the recovery process. I guess this is what they call self-preservation. When I've regained what I've lost, then maybe I can speak to her again.
I feel like the guy who fell in love with his best friend's wife in Love Actually. Love unrequited always hurts. And I guess to love and to have lost that love hurts even more.
I like talking to Damian. He's always there for me when I need someone to listen to me...
dm: decide once and for all if u wanna pursue or not
n7: no
n7: but I want the frenship
dm:or if she is interested in reviving wat u once had or not
dm: frenship u can try and keep
n7: she's not
dm: but lemme tell u man,..its a futile effort.
n7: wat is futile
dm: u can form love from frenship
dm: but never frenship from love
n7: so what u suggest?
dm: if u wanna cut your losses now
n7: (Gabrielle's Out of Reach keeps repeating on my winamp)
dm: keep minimal comm with her
n7: how did it come to this?
dm: if u yourself think that there nothing more to look froward too here
dm: just walka away man
n7: I'm doing that
n7: but its like I have to walk in a tunnel of memories with her
n7: and every step just shatters my heart into smaller and smaller pieces
n7: pardon the melodrama
n7: its what I feel
dm: its ok
dm: its always hard to shut the door
dm: but u must
n7: sometimes I feel like crying but the tears wont come out
dm: hard as it is,...u hv to start somewhere
dm: start today
dm: chat with ehr all u wan today
dm: morrow
dm: time to go cold turkey
dm: i've got 5 days MC man
dm: come to pg we can go jolly heheh
n7: I feel like a loser
n7: I've lost my love and pride
dm: there are no winners when relationships end desmond
dm: everyone loses something
dm: its not a game or a sport
dm: it just seems that way
n7: I wish I have a heart of stone
n7: I really do
n7: feel nothing
n7: not love nor hurt
dm: cut that crap out man,..
dm: the sooner u get in touch with wats need to be done the better
dm: bite the bullet and do wat u hv to do
dm: occupy your time doin other stuff
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| I'm heartbroken... |
| 05.18.04 (3:15 am) [edit] |
I'm devastated. LL has decided to leave me after all I've done and said to her. There is no turning back, no second chance. Well, it is true that sometimes love just ain't enough.
I'm still coming to terms with this break up. I'm still trying to believe that she's no longer mine. Maybe I never did have her love in the first place. Oh God, she's been my best friend and lover for the past 5 months it breaks my heart to think that she's no longer by my side.
I'm in a mess now. I wallow in sadness and self pity. Where did it go wrong? How could she be so cruel? I don't blame her for what happened. She simply said she's not ready and that she wants her single life back. I asked her at what point in the relationship that she decided to let me go. She said "When I realise that I still want to see other guys, unlike you." I was dumped because I was faithful and committed to her. Or perhaps I didn't give her enough space.
Its gonna take me a long time to forget her. More because I have nothing to hate about her. When we were together I once told her that if this relationship, however short-lived, don't work out, we'd still get hurt. And once I prayed that if that is so, I'd want to be the one who gets hurt more. Let me bear all the hurt, if possible. She has gone through so much with her previous relationships, its just not fair to make her suffer some more.
I told LL that when you're heartbroken, all the love songs seem to be written with you in mind. But Gabrielle's Out of Reach hits spot on. Every line she sings mirrors my emotions.
I'm just wasted...
:arrow: Out of Reach
Knew the signs wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused, my heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be
Catch myself from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK
But I was so confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be
So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind and I'll be over you
But now I'm so confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Culdn't see
We were never meant to be
Out of reach, so far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there for me...
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